How to Be a Writer

1.    Call yourself a “writer.”
2.    Make a big cup of coffee.
3.    Put on a scarf or jaunty cap.
4.    Buy a big notebook and nice pen.
5.    Sit and watch people.
6.    Chew on pen.
7.    Think a lot.
8.    Angst.
9.    Marry a writer.
10.    Have a couple kids.
11.    Go to interesting places.
12.    Talk to fascinating people.
13.    Take notes.
14.    Get motorcycle.
15.    Ride motorcycle.
16.    Crash, but not too bad.
17.    Google “motorcycle travel magazine.”
18.    Write an article.
19.    Get a camera.
20.    Learn to take decent pictures.
21.    Email three editors.
22.    Pray.
23.    Send article and pictures to the one who will “pay” you with motorcycle gear.
24.    Call yourself a “motorcycle travel photojournalist.”
25.    Repeat steps 11, 12, 15, and 16 for a few years.
26.    Write column for that magazine.
27.    Make sure your writing doesn’t suck.
28.    Approach other motorcycle magazines.
29.    Fake it ‘til you make it.
30.    Get Honda to give you a better motorcycle for three months.
31.    Tell other companies that Honda gave you a motorcycle.
32.    Ask other companies for gear.
33.    Get free helmet, jacket, pants, gloves, boots, etc.
34.    Ride through eight countries in eight days in Africa.
35.    Over three months, write 15 articles about “8 in 8.”
36.    Meet deadlines.
37.    Write web articles for that cool magazine for free.
38.    Pitch pieces for print version of that cool magazine.
39.    Meet deadlines.
40.    Make sure your writing doesn’t suck.
41.    Encourage your writer-spouse to write a book.
42.    Make sure your spouse’s writing doesn’t suck.
43.    Meet Famous Author (FA).
44.    Ask FA to endorse spouse’s book.
45.    Get name of Famous Author’s Agent (FAA).
46.    Learn that FAA also represents George Foreman and Chuck Norris.
47.    Flip out.
48.    Help market your spouse’s book.
49.    Move back to the U.S.
50.    Visit offices of that cool magazine.
51.    Try not to say anything stupid.
52.    Especially, “You guys are all so cool!”
53.    Travel and speak to audiences about spouse’s book.
54.    Happy.
55.    Jealous.
56.    Write regularly for that cool magazine.
57.    Meet deadlines.
58.    Make sure your writing doesn’t suck.
59.    Get a job to support your writing habit.
60.    Give up your free time to write.
61.    It’s 6:09 a.m. as I type this line.
62.    Make another big cup of coffee.
63.    Regret goofing off during English classes.
64.    “Remember that time when…”
65.    Focus.
66.    Open a Facebook page for your writing.
67.    Start tweeting.
68.    Focus.
69.    See which of spouse’s ideas FAA thinks is best.
70.    Give spouse a backrub.
71.    Ask spouse if you could co-author FAA’s pick.
72.    Spend months writing the book proposal and first three chapters.
73.    Wait months for FAA to sell the book to a publisher.
74.    Sign contract with cool publisher.
75.    Don’t really think about it for a few months.
76.    Take a week off of work.
77.    HOKBOC: Hands On Keyboard, Butt On Chair.
78.    Write thousands and thousands of words.
79.    Yes, another big cup of coffee would be great, thanks.
80.    Also, paint your living room.
81.    Add your words to spouse’s words.
82.    Rejoice that the rough draft of 43,862 words is almost long enough.
83.    That’s 190 pages.
84.    Post the good news on Facebook and Twitter.
85.    Focus.
86.    Sleep.
87.    Think good ideas.
88.    Write them.
89.    Convince people they should pay you for your good ideas.
90.    Repeat steps 85-87 until you die.
91.    Die happy.
Drink all the coffee you want

  • Ryan

    I smell an eBook. And it smells goooooood.

    Hilarious, Adam.

  • Huba

    No music?